After Hours: Hogwarts Teachers Gone Wild
by CreamSoda1382
Summary: Hogwarts Professors get together weekly for a drinking party in the dungeons. They do some crazy things and then suffer the consequences the following week. Hilarity ensues. This story has partner stories!
1. Prelude

**Disclaimer: **

I own Meg, Ron, Bob and crew from TimeHoppers (my book! WooT! Which will be published soonish) I also own a stick of gum, some old clothes from Goodwill, and a hand me down television. I own nothing that has anything to do with Harry Potter (except a copy of the books by the talented J.K.Rowling)

**Authors Note:**

Hello all! This is my very first (and probably only so that I can focus my full attention on this project) Fan Fiction. Basically, teachers get drunk at Hogwarts. But it's funny, I promise! It is done in Diary Form and has several companions. There are companions for Snape, Trelawney, Quirrell, and I may get ambitious some day and decide to make one for Mc Gonagall. I will give the links to several things next chapter because right now I am struggling through my technology block to figure this junk out. Enjoy! And comment! I love comments and the more I get the better I feel and the better I feel the more inspired I am to update. So if you like, it greatly behooves you to comment.

**After Hours**

**Hogwarts Teachers Gone Wild**

_-Prelude-_

September 26, Wednesday

Albus Dumbledore, perhaps you are as brilliant as everyone seems to think you are...ish...whatever. Point is, I came up with the niftiest idea. I'm telling you, this is just what all these tight ass professors at Hogwarts need. What is this idea you ask? Well, let me start from the beginning...

Yesterday I ran into Snape in the hall, and he was grumbling and sneering and acting all together unpleasant, no doubt because I allowed Potter to get a Nimbus 2000. Honestly, just because Snape was a little puss while he was in school is no reason for him to hate Harry Potter so much. That jerk-off...

Anyway, so I thought to myself, 'Severus is looking unusually tense today.' Unusually...as in he usually looks tense. So do most the professors, and God knows I need to let go once in a while, so I thought, "Damnit Albus! You're the headmaster! Liven things up a little!" So, I sent an owl to every professor and caretaker and what-not at Hogwarts telling them to meet in the dungeons every Friday night at midnight. Well...then wouldn't it be Saturday morning...oh Bloody hell! They'll know what I mean.

Plan is, when they all get down there I will fill the room with as much alcohol as I can muster and let them all get plastered. Ha! Lets see if they walk like they got a wand up there arse then eh?

Of course, I may have a sip or 2000 myself...which is part of the reason I started this little journal. Firstly, stupid little muggle things like this fascinate me, and not only will I need it because I got the memory of a brain damaged bat when I get drunk (and I will NOT risk messing with a pensieve when I can't even piss straight) but this year may yet prove to be interesting...


	2. Trouble Down South

**Disclaimer:**

I own a turquoise backpack, a class ring, and a ton of lava lamps, but still absolutely nothing or no one from Harry Potter. That's all J.K. Rowlings, though I do aspire to follow in her footsteps one day.

**Authors Note:**

Here ya' Go! The real chapter one! But we'll call it Chapter 2 to prevent confusion...Cuz according to it is chapter 2 since it is the second installment. Alas! I will have to alter my chapter assignments to appease a computer. As promised, here's a link. You can have the rest later. If you prefer to see this on a nice shiny Xanga site, then go 

That's where I will also be posting this story. Unfortunately, it doesn't have as many nifty fan benefits as this site (where innocent bystanders will find me) But it's prettier...

**Chapter 1**

**Trouble Down South**

_**September 28**_

_Friday_

_11:30 PM_

Well, I'm gonna head down to the dungeons. Maybe some people will be down there already. Besides, I got to slip by the kitchens and make sure the house elves know when to bring out the booz. Maybe even slip em' a few sickles to make sure this never finds its way to the ministry, ya' know? I'll bring this handy dandy notebook with me and write in it when I get a chance again.

_**Friday/Saturday (Whatever.)**_

_12:15 AM_

Well, the entire staff now thinks I've gone completely bonkers. A couple of chasers and they wont think much of anything. Heh heh...

But I do wish someone would do something. So far I am the only one to have drunk anything!

WAIT!

No, Filch was just scratching his balls. I am beginning to believe I may have to do something drastic...Naked Time?

_1:00AM_

No Naked Time...erm...luckily. But finally that nervous wreck of a DaDa teacher Quirrell made a move. Surprised...

No, really, I am...I was more expecting him to piss himself than get drunk. He started muttering to himself incoherently then stumbled forward in a completely transparent attempt at being "cool" ::scoff:: Loser...

But I suppose I must credit him at least with being the first to actually do more than just stare at the alcohol. Much better than Snape who keeps bitching and sneering that it's his dungeon and we are invading his personal space.

He's just mad because the new DaDa teacher is less of a pussy than he is. Maybe I will torchure him with that later. Ha ha! I love withholding that job from him and then giving it to the most completely incompetent person possible. Maybe next year I will give it to Rita Skeeter.

Oh! Even better! Gilderoy Lockhart! That twit wouldn't know a banshee from his mother-in-laws- garter belt.

_1:15AM_

Oh Yeah! Trelawney just started going on about how the fates informed her that he destiny was to get drunk tonight. ::cough:: Magic 8 Ball ::cough:: But hell! Whatever gets the party started, eh?

Now...where's that terribly cliché party pooper...Ah! There she is! Minerva McGonagalls standing over in the corner with her arms crossed and her lips looking like she just ate a Warhead...Man I love those...sour little Muggle sweets...mmmm...But seriously, she is like an overgrown Hermione Granger.

Now don't get me wrong, she is bright as hell and all, but my god what a tight ass. Seriously, if I ever catch her breaking a rule, I think I will award her 5 points to Gryffindor. Heh. Better make sure to do it while Severus is around.

_2:45AM_

Someone remind me why I ever hired that psychopath crazy old bat Trelawney? Everyone finally loosens up a tad and starts drinking and dancing and talking, and she deems it necessary to ruin the mood by shrieking about 'the dark lord being present'. I had always suspected that she was doing some serious hallucinogens, but now there isn't a doubt in my mind.

On second thought, maybe I should pay attention. That's what I do afterall isn't it? Notice things like this and take them seriously when everyone else dismisses them as nonsense? Come to think of it...Quirrell did seem nervous...I mean more than usual...

NOTE TO SELF: Pretend to care

Luckily, or unluckily, I'm not quite sure, Madam Hooh decided that what was needed to calm everyone's nerves was for her to strip tease to the Weird Sisters. I joined her.

What?!?!?! It seemed like fun! I'm not dead yet!

But poor little Flitwick...he curled up in the corner and hid behind a napkin he was so terrified. Then he ate it. Ok...weird...

_3:30AM_

Well, I'm drunk piss...Piss drunk...

Snape keeps putting weird potions in all the drinks in some kind of drunken revenge for us taking over his dungeon. But everyone's too piss drunk to notice. Drunk piss? I pity the dumb fool who...

Ack!

Alcohol's not usually purple is it? I mean...is it? THAT BASTARD! I'm probably going to sprout an extra arm or something.

Ah Well...Madam Pomfrey can fix me up tomorrow. She's brilliant.

_5:15AM_

Damn that incompetent hag! Damn her! I will get you for this Pomfrey!

We all decided to head off around 4AM and Pomfrey kindly offered to administer some anti-hangover potion.

Right...anti-hangover potion which turned out to be a very powerful laxative. I was up all night with the shits and I am STILL going to have a hangover tomorrow. But man was that fun! We should all do this more often.

**_September 29th_**

_Saturday_

_3:00PM_

Dear Lord...no...please still be drunk, please still be drunk...

Okay, I just woke up, performed a little headache spell, reread last nights events, and then went to take a piss. Well, when I looked down, I thought I saw what appeared to be the beginnings of...and extra penis...

_3:05PM_

Okay, just double checked, and yes, I appear to be growing an extra penis...

Sprout and extra arm my ass! I am going to kill Snape! I am going to sneak into his dungeon and hex all his robes to be fuchsia! Damn him! Damn him! DAMN HIM!

Damn him and his purple alcohol!

But, I've got even more problems, upon reading last nights account, I see that I...erm...strip teased...But what's been plaguing me is how much?

Well, I think I need a cold shower to rid myself of the shock of finding that I am twice the man I was last night. Heh heh...this might not actually be so bad.

**_September 30th_**

_Sunday_

_5:00PM_

Madam Hooch keeps winking at me...

Well, I had about 3million owls to answer today from dumb ass Fudge. I mean, what is this world coming to if he is minister and needs help from me?!?!?! I don't even know how to make smores for Merlins sake!

But, I finally made it out of my room for dinner, and the awkward and slightly disgusted looks I am getting from my colleagues tell me I may have taken the strip tease a little too far. Honestly! I'm in pretty good shape for an old man!

The only one who doesn't seem disgusted is Hooch...and she keeps winking at me. It's kinda freaking me out.

Okay Albus, focus on the pumpkin Juice! Focus! Look how orange...dear God was that double wink?!?! Ack! Focus!

In other news, McGonagall has been walking around shooting scornful looks at the lot of us. Someone still has a wand up their ass...Snape keeps sneering, but I suppose that is nothing from the usual, and Trelawney seems unusually secluded...she hurried down, ate, then hurried away. Ding bat is probably still freaked that the dark lord is among us...

**_October 1st_**

_Monday_

_7:00PM_

This extra wang is becoming a bit of a problem... it has grown rather large (kinda like the original. Heh heh. What? I'm serious! I'm not the most famous wizard of the century for no reason now am I?)

But seriously. It is obscuring my walking. I have to kinda keep my legs spread apart a little while I walk. Looks like I am waddling. Or like I really do have a wand up may ass.

**_October 4th_**

_Thursday_

_3:15PM_

Okay...I have spent the better part of the last three days trying to hex this thing off. Nothing works. NOTHING! I suppose I could go see Madam Pomfrey...but could you imagine the conversation?!?!?!

"Hey Madam Pomfrey? How are you? The thing is, I seem to have grown an extra penis...could you please get rid of it for me as it is obscuring my daily walking patterns?"

Exactly. I don't think so. There has to be something I can do.

In other news, every time I hobble down to a meal, Madam Hooch winks at me again. What...the...hell...

I am seriously beginning to wonder what exactly went on while we were strip teasing together. I suppose I could ask Madam Pomfrey when I go to get my second dick removed. Hah! Fat chance...


End file.
